Mark Sanchez Admits to Colorblindness
A Satire
In a live broadcasted interview on Sunday night following the game against the New England Patriots, Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback Mark Sanchez revealed a possible explanation for his astonishing amount of interceptions: he’s colorblind.
With a losing record, the Eagles are looking at slim chances at the playoffs. Headed by coach Chip Kelly and quarterback Sam Bradford, recently out for injuries until Sunday’s game, the Philly team has left fans hopeless and baffled. However, recent events have unveiled one of the possible explanations for the team’s recent losing streak.
“I found out when I was just a kid,” Sanchez told ESPN reporters in the press conference. “For a while my mom thought I was just being a dumb kid and that I’d grow out of it. But when I didn’t, she got me tested and found out I was actually colorblind.”
Sanchez, who has thrown 4 interceptions this season with a career total of 84, went on to explain the hardships his condition has brought him.
“I never wanted anyone to know. It’s so embarrassing: a professional football player, colorblind,” he said. “I was just glad we always got our uniforms laid out for us in the locker room. But I guess now that it’s out, maybe my interception rate is a little more understandable to the fans and the team.”
Sanchez explained that he’s always had a great arm and extraordinary aim; he just gets the colors on the jerseys mixed up.
“Think about it,” teammate and Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz said. “His interceptions have always been so spot-on. It was so frustrating for so long because to everyone else, it almost looked like he was doing it on purpose, and in a way he was because he thought he was throwing it to his own teammate. Insane.”
Although Bradford was healthy enough to play in Sunday’s game against the Patriots, where he led the team to a long-awaited victory, Sanchez is now more hopeful than ever that the fans and his future coaches and teammates will be more understanding of his condition. It is rumored that the NFL will be looking into finances for new jerseys with larger team logos in order to be sensitive to Sanchez and anyone else who may be struggling with this condition.
Nothing but a Fond Memory
A Narrative Essay
June 2015
He hands me a hot cup of tea as we sit at the kitchen table.
“It’s raining,” he says, giving me a knowing look. I roll my eyes and shake my head in an attempt to shake off his insinuations.
“Oh, come on,” he says. “You know you were just thinking the same thing. Let’s go.” He gently takes the mug out of my hands and places it on the marble counter top. Then he’s standing, waiting at the edge of the kitchen for me. I glare at him under the pretense of annoyance and meander over to him with fake reluctance.
We go outside, slamming the door and adding to the noisy thunder.
“This is crazy!” I shout over the sound of the pouring rain. He’s laughing at me now. I must be a mess already. I can feel the mascara dripping from my eyelashes. He pulls me into his arms and drags me off the front porch onto to lawn. As I pretend to push him away, we slip in the mud and fall to the ground in a fit of laughter. Before I know it, he’s kneeling over me our faces just inches away from each other.
“No crazier than the first time we did this,” he says with that half smile that touches my heart.
August 2011
I put my phone down and looked myself over in the mirror. My hair was messy, and I had on only a little bit of leftover makeup from the day. I sighed in frustration, knowing I couldn’t take too long. He’d be waiting. I pulled on a sweater and slipped on my flip flops. I was out the door and practically sprinting towards the park in minutes. It wasn’t even a five-minute walk down the street, but my anxiety was getting the best of me. As I approached the park, my heartbeat grew faster and faster. I was afraid the poor thing was going to beat right out of my chest. This was the moment I’d been waiting for.
I’d had such a childish crush on him since the day we met—literally. We met during summer rehearsals for our school’s chorus group. We were both freshmen, new to the group and to the school, and had been paired up to practice together. He was so cute, and so nice. I was so shy, but the second I caught a glimpse of those eyes and that smile, I was hooked. Whether it was the way he seemed to see right through me with his glistening baby blues or the way his smile completely wiped out any coherent thoughts I might have, I’ll never know. All I knew is that if he asked, I’d be his.
That was two years ago. We hadn’t really been super close. We were friends and we talked, but he never knew how I felt. I dated other people, he dated other people—but he was always just there. I wanted him. I never stopped wanting him, but he didn’t know, and that was okay. He was always nothing more than a sort of fantasy to me: the cute guy from first block that I was kind of friends with.
But now, I was on my way to meet him, in the rain—a hurricane, no less—because he asked me to. I’d never been so nervous for anything in my whole life. I mentally shook my head at myself. It wasn’t like me to get myself so worked up over a guy. Guys didn’t make me nervous. If there was anything in this world that I knew how to handle, it was guys.
When I arrived at the park, I ran to an overhang attached to one of the buildings nearby. I pulled out my phone and texted him to let him know I was there. Seconds later, I looked up to see him jogging around the corner towards me. My heart skipped a beat and my nerves caught on fire. I took a deep breath to calm myself. I ignored my racing thoughts and smiled as he approached.
“Hey,” he said with a huge, boyish grin. His hair was an adorable, wet mess of a mop on his head, rain dripping from the ends. His blue eyes shone bright through the darkness of the storm.
“Hey,” I said back, trying to hide my anxiety and nerves. I smiled as coolly as I could manage—which wasn’t very cool.
Although I desperately wanted to know why he wanted me here and why now and what he saw in me and a million other things, I went with the flow. We made small talk until we all grew a little more comfortable with each other. The rain was coming down and we were still standing under the safety of the overhang. We thought better of that and ventured out into the storm. We splashed and played and raced Popsicle sticks down the rivers of rain water that formed in the street along the curb. I lost my flip-flop to him and embraced a slightly unfair game of keep-away.
After what was probably close to an hour, we got tired of our games. I was beginning to lose all the high hopes I had shown up with for the two of us. Maybe he had just been messing around, being the flirty guy I had grown to know him as. We looked at one another nervously. At least I was nervous. His expression gave almost nothing away, and I wished I could read his mind as the rain continued to pound the roof above our heads.
We wandered over towards the swing set. Thoroughly soaked through by now, the rain wasn’t really a bother. I took a seat on the swing and looked up at him. We shared a sweet, shy smile before he moved behind me to push the swing. In the midst of the storm, a large puddle had formed under the swing. As I started to pick up speed, my hanging feet inadvertently skimmed the water on the way down, spraying a wave back towards him. He gasped in faux-astonishment. I saw my opening and giggled. On my way back down the next time, I repeated the splashing motion.
He laughed and stopped pushing and walked to the swing next to mine, which had an identical puddle under it. As I swung, he kicked at the water, hitting me with a wall of muck and rain. I screamed, half in shock and half in delight. He was playing my game.
I jumped off the swing and seized the opportunity to make things a little less awkward and a little more interesting. I kicked water at him, causing him to run a few steps away from the swing set. He recovered himself and started walking towards the swing set again. I stood behind the swing as a sort of protective barrier, although it didn’t stop the water he kicked up at me when he reached my puddle.
We soon made our way towards the swing from opposite sides, splashing and laughing. I grabbed ahold of the chains of the swing, as did he when he reached me, following suit. His fingers brushed mine, causing a pause in my laughter and a glance towards our touching hands. I looked up to find his blue eyes locked on mine. He was no longer laughing, but had this half smile that took the breath right out of my lungs.
And then it happened. The kiss started like any other—slow and steady, tentative and sweet, like a small child testing the ocean water for the first time. Then the child thinks better and jumps in full-fledged after realizing how wonderful and invigorating it is; the kiss deepens. Soft lips pressed against mine over and over, smoothly and skillfully. It tasted like rain and cigarettes. Water fell from above and mingled with the sweat that dripped from brows and the wetness of lips. Once shy hands found their way to faces and necks and hair. They grasped at arms and backs, searching for a release from their anxious build-up. The world around became non-existent; the wind no longer howled. The leaves on trees no longer shook. The late-August humidity disappeared. The rain fell steady, but held no weight. All that was real were two pairs of wandering hands, two pairs of desperate lips, and the sound of heavy breathing filled with adolescent lust and love. And in that moment when not enough and infinite collided, nothing else mattered.
And then—as quickly as it started—it stopped, and with it, the memory.
June 2015
I gaze at him for a moment, recovering from the flashback.
“That was a long time ago,” I say, directing my gaze downward and focusing on the rain droplets rippling through the puddles on the lawn.
He drops his hands from my shoulders where they had been resting and walks a few steps away, and we both know. Expectations are just fairy tales for the hopeless romantics in life. They’re made for the kinds of people who grew up believing in true love and happy endings. They’re for people who see the silver lining. Having expectations give us the illusion that everything will be alright. If we expect certain things, we are under the pretense that we have some sort of control. And if those expectations should be met, well, all of our dreams may as well have come true.
But we have to admit that it’s true that sometimes our expectations are not met. Sometimes, the silver lining turns out to be nothing more than the sun catching the edge of some rusty scrap metal, and if things end happy, it’s not always the end. Happiness does not mean the end of hardships and trouble. It doesn’t fight off sorrows and disappointment. Happiness does not last forever—it simply can’t. But the memories remain intact, tucked away for a rainy day.
Maybe Love…
A Poem
Maybe love is there-
a song in the wild night,
an unbroken pleasure,
a ragged, icy crunch underfoot
on a frosted, January road.
After nothing, but against something;
itself another morning startled to begin again.
Love, waiting to amble
into the cold world
and sing of new wonders.
Where I’m From
A Narrative Poem
If I told you I was from a very small town in South Jersey, would that really give you any clue about my life? Where I’m from is small, but where I’m from is also a lot of other things.
Where I’m from, families wake up in the morning to the sound of the neighbor mowing the front lawn. We often look out the window and he offers a friendly smile and a wave as we inhale the scent of fresh cut grass.
Where I’m from, we run to the front door to meet the mailman and say hello, rather than wait to get our mail from a lifeless box. This is the same mailman who brings us colorful pens in the winter that say “Happy Holidays!” on them.
Where I’m from, children are safe to ride their bikes in the streets because only about four cars drive through the town in a day. Mothers interrupt their laughter and yelling to call them in for dinner; they can’t go very far because there’s nowhere far to go in our town.
Where I’m from, no one ever gets a speeding ticket. The police know everyone by name, and vise-versa. The only time anyone is stopped by a cop is when he sees you and wants to catch up on school or family or just life in general. You might get stopped so he can tell you that your headlight is out too.
Where I’m from, the trees turn into rainbows of autumn colors in the months of football and pumpkin pie and turkey. Not only are the household decorations switched out with the changing seasons, but the scents along with them, from spring flowers to ocean air, from crisp apples to pine trees.
Where I’m from, no one pays attention to these things. People move too fast. They feel too little. They don’t appreciate the simpler things surrounding them. They focus too much on the bad. Where I’m from, people need to slow down and take a look around before they miss out on some of the greatest things in life.
An Argument Against Nietzsche
Argumentative Writing
Perhaps the most well-known phrase belonging to Friedrich Nietzsche is “God is dead.” It is no secret that this German philosopher not only had an extreme aversion and unbelief towards God, but he also finds the general idea of Christianity idiotic. There is much to say about someone who has found such a strong distaste for not only this religion, but the general population of the human race as a whole. While very negative, Nietzsche’s writings portray what I believe to be false teachings and misleading representation of life altogether. However, he mainly attacks the belief in God. The stances and beliefs in Christianity alone can easily dispute the theories and ideals presented by this philosopher.
- A. Carson said, “An omniscient, talking God changes everything. It does not change the fact that I will always be finite and that my knowledge of him and about him will always be partial. But once I know that he exists, that he is the Creator and my Savior and Judge, it is improper, even idolatrous, to try to think of my knowing things without reference to him. All of my knowledge, if it is true knowledge, is necessarily a subset of his.” (Carson). He goes on to combat Nietzsche’s idea that God is dead and that Christianity is pitiful and hopeless. Man will always be finite, and therefore his ideals will be finite. Thus, Nietzsche’s ideals are finite if they are not based in God or His Word, and they certainly are not. This concept alone concludes that none of Nietzsche’s ideals can possible be worthwhile if he is not basing them in a belief in God. Post moderns address issues with the mindset that man is the beginning of all knowledge, which is false. If this is their mindset, they will never really reach any true statements.
The question of morality plays a huge role in this argument. Fyodor Dostoyevsky said in a very famous passage, “If God does not exist, then everything is permitted.” (citation) If God is not real, then there is no point to morality, and there is no real claim to what morality should or should not be. Essentially, without God to define these morals and behaviors to live by, spoken through his words in the Bible, we are free to live as we please. If you ask most human beings, you will find a general consensus on certain moral beliefs. For example, 9 times out of 10, if you ask a person whether or not murder is okay, you will get a “no, it is not.” However, without the existence of God, why is that not okay? Who decided that? If we were to base this question of morality on Nietzsche’s beliefs that the human race is less intelligent than the animal kingdom because we “evolved” from our animalistic beginnings and became “civilized,” the answer would turn to yes.
Of course, in order to even run with this argument of returning to animalistic and natural behaviors, one would have to also admit that the theory of evolution is correct. Considering Genesis 1 starts with, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth,” the argument is flawed from the very beginning. The book goes on to explain what else God created—i.e. everything—and also explains how God told man to rule over the plants and animals on the Earth, even giving him power to name all the animals. This goes against what Nietzsche says about humans being unintelligent for abandoning their animalistic behaviors and instincts to “develop” cognitive thinking and purpose. This is where he is wrong—humans did not start with animalistic behaviors. We were created in God’s image (Gensis 1:27) and we were created to rule over animals, not to be like them. Animals kill other animals every day. It is how they survive and it is in their nature—it’s what they do. Nietzsche believes that the animals have the right idea by ignoring any sort of “progress” and sticking to what is natural instincts instead. If the human race did that, like suggested, we would all be killing each other for the lack of these morals. These morals had to have come from God or else they wouldn’t exist at all. In addition to that, if humans had evolved and had chosen to become civilized and human rather than animalistic, why would the race as a whole choose to set rules and guidelines against themselves rather than allowing themselves the right to do as they please—a right that even today people fight over, e.g. LGBT, political, religious, gun laws. To add yet another point to that, if humans had in fact evolved from animals and chose to create our own idea of a civilized society and language, why are there still animals that have been around just as long that have not themselves tried to “evolve” and better themselves?
Another famous quote from Nietzsche says, “There are no facts, only interpretations.” Even if one wanted to completely leave Christianity out of the picture, we know that in our daily lives and in science, there are facts. There are universal truths that apply to everything and every person. For example, for every choice, there is a consequence. Every morning the sun will rise, and at night—even if we cannot see it behind the clouds—the moon is there. Humans need oxygen to breathe and therefore live. Newton’s law of universal gravitation says that gravity is the reason we stand on Earth and float in space. These are all things that we as a human race have found to be true, and there are more that are simply undisputable. Even from a secular point of view, Nietzsche is wrong.
Of course, there is still the Christian side to this. The whole practice of Christianity is based on the concept of truth and the idea that everything God says is true. The Word of God should not be interpreted to fit in with a certain lifestyle, either. A lifestyle should be molded around the truths that are written down in the Bible. God created the Earth and everything on and around it. That is a fact, not an interpretation. Noah built a great ark when God flooded the Earth to rid it of the evil people there. That is a fact too, not an interpretation. Jesus Christ was born of a virgin named Mary. His purpose was to ultimately be the final sacrifice for ours sins. He died on the cross so that, if we accept it, we may live an eternity in Heaven when we die. These things are all facts. They are not interpretations. To say they are merely interpretations would be blasphemous and dishonoring to God and his son.
Nietzsche also says, “All things are subject to interpretation,” and “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” These three statements come in direct contrast with what Christians believe. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (NIV, John 14:6). While Nietzsche very clearly does not believe in the idea of one truth, the Bible and Jesus Christ himself say otherwise, also very clearly. Nietzsche is also very inconsistent in this way. Nietzsche and his idea of truth—or lack thereof—bring their own set of problems. Nietzsche claims there is not truth in anything. However, to make a claim such as this assumes that the claim itself is factual, and is therefore true in and of itself. This, of course, is a direct contradiction to what Nietzsche is trying to accomplish. How can someone preach their teachings to be true if you do not believe in truth? And furthermore, how can one expect others to take their word as true if they also know the one teaching does not believe in truth? To draw from Peter Poellner, “What sense is there in saying that x is really y if the notion of a constitution in itself is itself ‘nonsense’?” (Nietzsche and Metaphysics).
Along those same lines—theoretically ignoring the fact that Nietzsche’s truth contradiction exists and any intelligent person follows along with his teachings anyway—the very format of his theories are not built to be convincing. Judith Norman said, “All of Nietzsche’s writings are flawed by serious shortcomings that justify fundamental complaints, ranging from accusations that they are utterly irrational, or devoid of informative content, to the conviction that they contain nothing but silly proclamations based on unwarranted generalizations – or a mixture of both” (Nietzsche: Beyond Good and Evil). Basically, Nietzsche writes with a lot of power and passion, but that is all he has going for him. He does not write in a manner which proves his arguments. He only writes in a way that grabs attention and forces his readers to consider what he is saying, since he writes with such authority. Anyone can write with authority and demand attention; that is an acquired skill. However, no matter how much confidence you speak with, it does not make you right. It is especially important to understand this about any of Nietzsche’s readings to make sure one does not fall into his trap of supposed knowledge.
This philosopher also argues that “Christian morality is fundamentally resentful and life-denying, devaluing natural human instincts and promoting weakness and the idea of an afterlife, the importance of which supersedes that of our present life” (Sparknotes, Friedrich Nietzsche: Themes, Arguments, and Ideas). Certainly, he is almost correct on one thing—that afterlife is something for Christians to look forward to. While held in prison, contemplating his life versus his death in a letter to Philippi, the apostle Paul himself said, “For me, to live is Christ, but to die is gain” (NIV-Philippians 1:21) and later, “I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body” (NIV-Philippians 1:23-24). Paul, as a devote follower of Christ, longed to die and be sent to his home in Heaven, but he knew what he was called to do and what God wanted from him in his Earthly life and body. In actuality, our present lives on Earth are very purposeful. Not only is every life preplanned one by one and personally by God (NIV-Jeremiah 1:5), but we as Christians were sent here to do a job. We are specifically called in what is referred to as “The Great Commission” to go and make disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey everything commanded to us through Christ (NIV-Matthew 28:16-20). The Bible also tells us that we are here on Earth for God’s glory, and that everything we do here is for Him. And why should we not? After all, the very breath we breathe is a gift from God that we would not have if not for him.
Solomon of the Old Testament did actually have words that matched up to Nietzsche’s. Solomon said, “’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless’” (NIV-Ecclesiastes 1:1). This is where one could connect some dots and find some supposed similarities between the Bible and Nietzsche’s teachings. This line is drawn because people connect Nietzsche’s connection to Nihilism and the idea that nothingness prevails; when nothingness prevails, it means that everything is meaningless. However, what most people fail to do is read the rest of the book of Ecclesiastes provided to us by God through Solomon. The Old Testament king goes on to say that he has tried everything there was and gained all he could and came to an important conclusion. “Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless…nothing was gained under the sun” (NIV-Ecclesiastes 2:11). Solomon learns that everything is in fact meaningless, but not in the way that Nietzsche describes. Solomon learns that everything is meaningless…without God. “Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man” (NIV-Ecclesiastes 12:13). If we are not living for the gain and glory of God, then everything we do is meaningless. Nietzsche only managed to figure out and hold onto half of that fact.
Nietzsche set up theories and made points that were direct opposites of what Christianity teaches, which in my opinion makes it all the easier to argue against, conveniently enough. In the Bible, one can find an argument that directly correlates with mostly every point of Nietzsche’s. It was not an accident that we were given words inspired by the Holy Spirit and recorded by followers of Christ as a manual to live by and match up against those who try to tear us and God down.
To borrow words of wisdom from the News Boys, my God’s not dead, He is surely alive. The apostle Paul said it best with his God-inspired words, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins” (NIV-Ephesians 2:1). Man cannot recognize God when they are dead in sin. Until one is made new in the spirit and redeemed by the blood of the Lamb who died for us, they are dead in their sins. Clearly, Nietzsche was a man dead in his sins, and thus could not recognize God. The sad reality is that he never changed his mind or saw the truth. He held steadfast to his belief with a hard heart and now remains a symbol of aspiration for atheists and nihilists around the world. However, one thing he did do—and I am most certain this was in no way his dying goal—was serve as an example to Christians of what not to do. In fact, there are even accounts of those who were not believers in God who studied Nietzsche and were actually converted to Christianity after doing so. Nietzsche’s extreme piousness to Atheism actually inspired non-believers to turn to God. This is something that Nietzsche could never understand—that God works in mysterious ways. If someone is going to come to Him, they will do so, no matter what someone tries to put in their path. He may even use the extreme teachings of an angry Atheist.
Katie Muska 